Discover the Gifts of the Dying

September 25, 2009

As reported in The Madison, WI Rotary News

Author and hospice nurse Maggie Callanan spoke movingly and compassionately about learning from the dying and listening to what they are telling us. Contrary to death being a negative event it can be seen as the start of the last chapter of life and a chance to reconcile, teach, heal and celebrate a life. To illustrate what she meant she told several stories about dying persons.

In the first, the dying person spoke about needing to “get in line.” At first, her caregiver thought medication was causing her tohallucinate; however, on further exploration by the hospice nurse it was found that she was communicating that her daughter, who had died years earlier, was waiting in line for her. She was telling the caregivers metaphorically that she was ready to die. When the hospice nurse asked what was preventing her from “getting in line” the patient expressed concern for her husband – what would he do after she was gone? He was encouraged to tell her that he had made plans (which he was previously reluctant to share for fear of distressing her) to live with a son and travel with a friend. Learning of this information, the wife soon passed peacefully – her work was done, and her beloved husband would be okay. The husband, too, gained peace that he would eventually be “getting in line” and seeing her again.

Ms. Callanan’s message was also that when a dying person speaks what seems to be nonsense they are speaking in metaphor and to communicate with them you also need to enter and explore the metaphor to fully understand and communicate. As caregivers we need to be open to what is trying to be communicated and ask questions to determine what the dying are trying to teach.

There is also the need to understand symbolic behavior. A son was caring for his dying mother who had dementia. She would often throw her legs out of bed but the son would just tuck her in. On one occasion he asked where she was going. The mother told him she was “going to dance with Bobby.” Bobby was her deceased husband. The point was when we don’t understand something we should ask more questions instead of assuming unexplainable behavior.

Another story was told of a gregarious Irishman who always tried to get the last laugh between himself and a good friend, who happened to be a priest. While the Irishman was in a coma the priest was asked to say a private Mass for the family in the patient’s room. During the homily, when the priest asked the question of why this good man had to die, the patient suddenly became conscious and said “Because I can’t take any more of your bad sermons!” Shortly, thereafter, he died peacefully and having had the last laugh and his family celebrated his life in the manner the Irishman would have appreciated! Ms. Callanan used this story to illustrate that as we live life so do we die. Pay attention to the life the dying person has led, and use that as a frame of reference for how he wants to die.

In the last story, Ms. Callanan related that of a prodigal son. The mother of a large family was starting to linger and talked about the need to “feed the horses,” and she needed help “finding the feed.” It turned out, there was a son who had gotten into trouble through his whole life and had been forgotten by the family. Before his mother died, she was able to communicate that not only did she want her son to be with her before she died, but she wanted the family to come together and share a meal with the troubled son. While they ate a meal, she passed away peacefully.

Ms. Callanan used the metaphor that the dying are the teachers, and we are the students. Be open to what they are saying, ask questions and listen.

Our thanks to Maggie Callanan for her moving presentation and to Kevin Hoffman for this review article.